your_first

You're losing me.

You don't know it. I don't think you've even considered it. Nobody has. We seem so perfect, you and I. So very much in love and so exceptionally beautiful. And people envy us, they want to fit into each other's spaces and fill up each other's dark holes, and find that safety in each whole and rounded moment.

When the truth is, I'm restless. And each dark hole in my self grows with each day I spend waiting. For domestication. For settling. For becoming something I don't understand, and each day I distance more and more from myself. You see right through me now. And yet you see nothing.

This is a story, for which there should be a tidy ending. And still I'm stagnant. Still I'm frozen and won't move.

And everyday, I hope you'll see there is something wrong.

And everyday, you don't.

So everyday, I wait.

Have grown to have a huge amount of hate over this whole Nathan working in Fort Mac business. Have decided it is v. unneccessary and stupid, and have decided he needs to find new job in closer proximity to me, due to a positive amount of loneliness on my part.
Its also getting cold outside, and my bed feels too big.

This is all v. unfortunate. Feel as though should not complain about it so much so people don't get sick of me or push me into mud. However, am contemplating pushing self in mud so as dont have to listen to self complain anymore.

Bloody hate bloody garreth as well. Is a fucking tool. Hope he also falls in mud. But not the same mud as am throwing self into.

Which IB Book are you?

thats right, bitches...im the big bad mother fucker. watch out.

Nathan was home this weekend. Finally, I exhaled. It built me up whole again, made me stronger and breathed life back through my veins, setting me newly ablaze where I'd started to fade into the background of monotony that is life without love.

How beautiful I felt in the mornings there, nestled in his arms, watching the sun dance carefree across his sleeping eyes, and feeling our breathe intertwine, sharing love and dreams in the lazy warmth of the ever expanding day. And how alive I felt when his hand found its way into mine, large and calloused and warm, each finger pressed against mine so strongly. And how content I was to just be and feel, hour after hour as he wove his hands through my hair and kissed me as though his heart would break.

How lonely it is to not have that everyday. And how lost I am without his hand to guide me, and his love to bring the sun shining through my window everyday.

I feel so far from where I've been.

I will hold my breathe
I will count my steps
Try hard to forget
That you're so far away

I'll clean up this mess
I will do my best
To fill the emptiness
Until you're back at home
With me again.

I saw Nathan for the last time tonight, (he gave me a CD before he left my house. Our song is on it. Lay Lady Lay by Bob Dylan.) before he leaves tomorrow, and we become a long-distance relationship, and for the first time in a year and two months, I face the world alone, at least for a little while.
I am absolutely devastated. There is nothing else to say.

I walked by our initials today.
Where are you?

I'm wondering what you're doing tonight.
I wonder if you're still alive.

I wonder what you'd think if you saw me today, and if the years have changed your face to something softer.

I wonder if you remember that afternoon on the rocks, and if you can still taste my kiss under the orange and yellow and brown of september trees.

I can't help but hope I'll see you...everytime I pass your house I secretly hope.
But it always looks empty and silent. Like your eyes when we said goodbye for the last time.

You'll find better love. I already have.
Where are you?

Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?


this quiz was made by Lori Fury

hee hee hee

Am sick, with annoying, stuffy head-esque illness.

Spent night at Nathan's last night, and had really good sleep, but woke up with stuffiest head of life. Did have nice breakfast with him this morning though.
Feel like sinuses might explode.

First rehearsal for midsummer went well. Felt bad for company people who had to sit and listen to us struggle through the entire play during readthrough. Oh well.

Have to get measurements from Brian tomorrow during second block. Hopefully do not sneeze on him, or something awkward.

I need to get Bridget Jones back from Sam...i wanna watch it.

My Schedule:
SEM 1 SEM 2
Day A/Day B Day A/Day B

spare/spare Social 30 IB/Social 30 IB
spare/spare Math 30/Math 30
Acting 35/Directing 35 Acting 35/Directing 35
Int. Politics 35/English 30 IB spare/English 30 IB

I'm so glad I finished Bio and French and Chem before now.

Had dinner with Lorraine Mansbridge from Global and Bryan Hall from 630 Ched at a media night that my mom took me to. Have wrangled apprenticeship on Lorraine's morning show for sem 1 during all my ridiculous spareology, which will be brilliant experience for Ryerson application.

if you're in any of my classes, let me know.

<3

Went to Bar Wild last night. Was excited due to buzz/hype/enormous lineup sorrounding the place. Got inside, and discovered downstairs bar was full, so people were being moved upstairs. Not a big deal, thought I, its still a super popular club, surely we'll have fun upstairs. After all, its called Bar Wild. Must be craaaaaaaaaaaazy.

We arrive upstairs to find three slutty clubwhores and a projected slideshow of other people having fun, and four bored looking bartenders.

You know a bar is truly wild when it shows a fucking slideshow.

MMm....wished Bonnie had been there.

Oh, and they played "I love rock and roll". AT a CLUB. how the fuck do you dance to that without looking prematurely lame? oh yeah. YOU CANT.

next time, we'll go the one.

Thoughts about Nathan: 20
Thoughts about Nathan naked: 19.5
Crazy Christians singing in Boston Pizza: 35

Boyfriend being in Cranbrook leading to excess horniness leading to huge angst on my part. Gah.
Pretty waiter at work named Abe told me he had a dream about me last night, which made me happy, if a little creeped to the maxcore. But he's hot, so it was mostly a large amount of happiness all shift on my part. The funniest part of work tonight, however, was the 35 Christian fanatics who came in with a reservation, and then, (after I sat them at their table), start humming... IN 4 PART HARMONY....which soon lead to an all out hymn...(we later discovered was them singing grace). So all the other customers in the restaurant got really awkward and stopped talking because there was these lunatic christians singing bloody grace for like 5 minutes straight. It sounded like a fucking holy shrine in a fucking BOSTON PIZZA! My manager was basically shitting herself over it...and then finally they finished, and it was dead quiet because everyone had stopped talking and were just staring at this table...and everyone was really awkward and silent and then the whole fucking restaurant started clapping for them, like they just put on a whole fucking show. Stupidest thing of my life.

oh, and....

CHEM IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Humph.
Am discontent with Chemistry. Good thing last day is tomorrow. Have attention span of flea, apparently, when it comes to:
1,3-dicloro3-methylbenzene
who the shit invented that, anyway? Makes me wonder if scientists ever have this conversation....

Sci1: can you pass me some 1,3-dicloro3-methylbenzene?
Sci2: NO I CANNOT! Clearly it needs to be dissolved in a neutral solution such as NaCl first!
Sci1: But then the gas laws will no longer apply, asshole.
Sci2: It doesn't matter, cunthead, because initial concentration is equal to final concentration.
Sci1: Burn. That only occurs in a dilution.
Sci2: Burn. Thats exactly what it would be.
Sci1: Oh.
Sci2: Exactly, cum breathe. Now, lets get back to this titration analysis.

hmmm...I kind of hope so.

Oh yeah....

You know those pseudo-attractive-in-a-gangster-kind-of-way brown G-Unit guys on the bus with the womanly shoes? One of them definetly asked for my number today...what the shit fuck is going on with the world? Clearly, bats will start eating the sun tomorrow.
Ciao

Kinds of drugs in body: 3
Thoughts about sex(excess horniness due to drugs): 26
Times have considered calling boyfriend strictly for booty call, then decided against it for fear of creating meritless relationship: 12

*sigh* last few days have been blurry, and blendy, rather like one's stomach after watching Canadian Idol.
spent most of said days in hospital attached to IV recieving antibiotics intravenously, for creepy infected rashlike sunburny flesh eatingesque blotches on my legs (I'm aware of how attractive it sounds.) Also was given jolly good steroid shot that made me happy/light headed for ages, but eased pain of rampant blotches.
Boyfriend seems rather excited for rapidly approaching A-Day...am myself terrified, nonetheless, he has been rather lovely during whole traumatic ERlike situation with needles in arm.
Am v. hungry. Am also v. mad with Chemistry as is not sensible, practical, or in any way applicable to real life. Hate the idea of "molar mass" and "molar volume", as is some inexplicably random, overly decimated number of molecules. Why the fuck can't a mole be 4000? or a million? or something comprehensible? and WHY THE FUCK do significant digits matter? The difference between 0.5 and 0.50 is....ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL.
Am also tired of annoyingly keen people in class who clearly have taken the course several times (and clearly passed with honours), and are just taking it again because they're disgustingly keen and don't have real priorities.
*sigh*
Nevertheless, am getting sleepy, falling into drug induced dream land
adieu

Went to the club last night, with Bonnie and Jessi and Nathan, as well as a whole bunch of other people that Nathan and I know (Hannah, Candy, Jenny, Luc, Diddy, Jordan and Ryan).
We went to The One first, and I was impressed by the large amount of cleavage shown by Bonnie and Jessi. Didn't pay cover because Nathan talked us out of it. There are lots of sketchy boys there, apparently, because many of them danced akwardly at me/gestulated their hips at me/bought me beverages. Nathan protected me, however, being the impressively sized person he is.
This one bald, enrique lookalike asked for my number...so i gave him my cell # (didnt think he'd call) and told him my name was megan. Got quite tanked. Bonnie macked on Jordan. Jessi gestulated with Diddy. Hannah is an uber bad dancer. Danced some more, got hit on some more...Nathan was brilliant and v. loving and nice. Then Bonnie wanted to switch clubs, sooo Nathan and I, Bonnie and Jordan, Jessi and Diddy stumbled to the Armoury.
Now, after this point things are a little sketchy, but apparently there was some more macking between Jessi and Diddy, Nathan broke up a fight between two drunk scary people, I got completely wrecked, the armoury was boring, Nathan practically carried me to his house, I passed out on the deck, and he put me to bed at about 3.
Bonnie and Jessi-feel free to fill the the gaps...lol

I had a bit of a think today, as the one-year anniversary with Nathan approachs with increasing speed, and my life spins and turns so that I feel at any moment I may fly off the earth. I had a think about the past year, about the people and the places and the things I've seen and done and thought about and learned from. Since last July, things have happened. A lot of things.

Three shows, 2 international trips, 1 heart I've broken.
Fallen in love. Quit a job. Gotten a lead in next years mainstage.

There's been people I've known, people I've gotten to know. People I never thought I'd befriend, I'm now friends with. People who used to be the most important in my life, people who i thought i could trust, who I now realize don't care about me at all.

Through it all, he's been there...and I realize, however superficial or stupid or foolhardy it may sound, that he's the only person that has actually been there the whole time. He's never kept things from me, gone behind my back, or treated me badly. He's never made me feel bad about myself, or the choices I make for myself.

We may have our disputes, our little scraps as anyone does. But there has never been a night we've gone to sleep mad at each other, and there has never been a time when he's ignored me, or pretended there wasn't a problem when there was.
And even if he's the only one, its nice to know that he'll still be there tomorrow.

Alcohol units: 0 (body now rejecting alcohol due to last nights behavior)
Weight: T-3 pounds (due to lack of food to avoid vomiting)
Hangovers: 1 (v. bad)

Went to Anton's birthday party with Bryn last night after work. It equalled a bush party....without fire or booze...ie. not a bush party, but I didn't tell anyone that usually bush parties involve a campfire as well as liquor times a million. Unfortunately, no-one informed me of this, so I arrived, bottle in hand and three more in bag, already plastered and increasingly incoherant. No-one else was drinking. Felt like huge tank.
Left early to avoid embarassing situations in manner of Seuss cast party.
On way to bryn's through scary ravine with Emily, had following conversation with incredibly still-loving boyfriend.

Me: *yelling* NAAAAAAAAAAATHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
N: hello?
Me:*hiccups* hiiii babesy
N: fay? are you ok?
M: Yes...I'mar unnning up a hiiilll, and brynannn emily arrrr hur too.
N: Up a hill?
F: Yesshh, we wen to a party party party inntha forest!!!!!
N: Baby, how much have you had to drink?
M: *loudly* Hellooooo? Helloo?
N: Fay?
M: Yesh..iz Nathan. I luv Natan...
N: What did you drink tonight Fay?
M: *angrily* Whyarr you ashkin me this? Dyou notrust me?
N: I trust you, I'm just wondering.

long pause, much heavy breathing on Fay's part.

N: Hello?
M: *yells loudly* GAAHHHH!
N: What?
M: A mann juss wen by, ridin two bikes *yells at emily* LOOOOOK!
(Emily in background: "he wasnt riding two, he was pushing one and riding one")
M: Whatsa talenteded man!
N: Fay, where are you?
M: unnnder da stars..theyes prettsy...beeeeutifull lik your face.
N: Is bryn with you?
M: Yessshh....Brynaloves meeee
N: I have no doubt.
M: I don tell youz enouf that I luuuuuv you
N: I love you too Fay.
M: No..Ireeeeaaalllyy doo.
N: I know.
M: *sighs loudly*
N: What?
M: juss thinkin about howz i wanna sandwhich.
N: Fay? I know your safe, so I'm going to bed now, ok?
M: Gos to deep Nathan! Tis verrimportant.
N: I know. I love you.
M: Yoursz oh nice tome.
N: Ok. I'm going now.
M: *yells* night night Natannn!
N: Good night Fay.

Blonde Moments today:

Fay: I never knew this restaurant existed!
Nathan: Fay, its Chili's.

Fay: I kinna want brunch food...or soup...or a veggie burger...or a...hey, baby look, theres fans on the ceiling.
Nathan:A lot of restaurants have fans on the ceiling.
Fay: No, I meant those weird circular Chinese ones.
Nathan: Those are not fans. Those are lamps.

Nathan: Is that ice-cream good?
Fay: yeaaahh, its kind of like exploring mount everest, which is the ice cream, and then discovering little frozen dead people, which are the gummie bears.
Nathan: *blank stare*

Nathan: Why were you running like a retard just then?
Fay: I was looking in the window, and then you kept walking, so I had to catch up.
Nathan: That doesnt explain why you were running like a retard.

Fay: Do you have a spoon at your house?
Nathan: No, Fay, we dont.
Fay: I meant, can I have a spoon.
Nathan: *pause* why didnt you say that then?

Fay: Can we jump on the trampoline? Huh huh huh?
Nathan: No, I'm tuckered.
Fay: Can we do it on the trampoline?
Nathan: Its 3:00 in the afternoon, Fay
Fay: So...the tramp dips right?

Har har har

Weight: 3 million pounds (feels like)
Alcohol units: 1
Minutes spent studying Bio: 3
Minutes wasted staring blankly into abyss of refridgerator: 47
Friends angry at moi: 1

Day is going lamely. Got up v. early to make breakfast feast for father. Then went back to sleep. Was woken up by Bryn, and went to Nathan's, bearing left over pancakes. Had lovely shag. Woke up Padley. Watched Antiques Road Show with Nathan. Came home and checked email. Discovered bestfriend is mad at self about yesterday and not going to her house. Felt bad, but knew had spent four hours buying one pair of pants, then fallen asleep, and knew was unreasonable to go there at 8:00 (time of awakening).

Am craving ice cream, sleep, and a negative amount of diplomas.

Weight: T - 1 pound (stress is actually consuming fat)
Alcohol units: 5
Plans cancelled with boyfriend in last 24 hours: 2
Times ditched by boyfriend tonight: 1
Good excuses for ditching: 0
Differences between tonight and every other Saturday night: 0

Bio diploma. Monday. Hate emotional fuckwittageness of today. Took 4 hours to buy 1 pair of pants for work. Hate life. Hate fuckwittage.
Am really pissed off with boyfriend. Especially for the ditching-to-go-clubbing-an-hour-before-supposed-to-have-sex business. Am irritable. Am craving chocolate.
At times like this, eating the entire contents of one's fridge seems inevitable.

Weight: T+3 pounds (gah, am gaining weight in manner of baby whale)
Alcohol units: 1

Have come to the decision am not insane, rather am spiritually lost and need to find self.

Would be useful information, except have no time to do so.

Have not had sexual relations in a week. Well, with exception of Monday...lack of said relations due to studying. Hate studying. Schools should be shot (not in manner of Columbine however, v. scary business).

Italy/Greece Crew 06 may be marginally dismembered, ala minus kati. Might cry, or throw temper tantrum. Perhaps will bribe her by hanging her significant other on a stick, and leading kati across expansive ocean. Perhaps will discover atlantis in process. Hurrah.